Have you
missed me?
If I’d
tried to write anything over the past few weeks, it really would have been a “woe
is me” entry. There’s only so much
whining even the most loyal of readers/friends can take. So, I kept quiet. Today, you are not so lucky.
I have
slipped back into The Pit. You know the
one…it full of hopelessness and discouragement, where there’s enough self-pity
to wallow in…yeah, that’s where I am. I
don’t intend to stay here, but lately that’s where I’ve been. It’s
this weight issue that has yet again brought me down, but when this area of my
life is so out of control, I find I am not happy with anybody or anything.
When I read
over the years of my blogging/journaling, each year says the same thing. It’s a vicious cycle of small victories
completely overtaken and surpassed by huge failures. The brutal truth.
Over the
last few weeks I have tried to fight depression, but often, I just gave in to
it. I don’t understand. Any of you who have ever been in this pit, you
know what I’m saying. If you’ve never
been in a place where everything you don’t want to be is exactly what you are,
you are blessed.
This is a
poem I wrote some time ago. My brother-in-law
put music to it. I think I will work on
getting a video together and post it in the next few days. Here are the words…kinda fitting for a day
like today.
The Pit
Fighting
myself and the devil,
I feel
isolated and alone
I’d stand
if I were able,
But I know
I’d stand alone
No matter
my resolutions,
My choices
are always wrong
The pit
I’ve dug myself,
Has begun
to feel like home
It’s hard
to stay above this hole,
It’s deep
and dark and calling
Slipping,
sliding, sinking fast,
Headfirst
in I’m falling
Take me,
change me
From the
inside out
Shake me,
break me
Turn me
about
Wash me,
purge me
Cleanse me
from within
And free my
life
From these
clutches of sin
Who has the
bigger hold,
It’s hard
for me to say
Is it me or
the devil,
Who’s
really standing in my way?
I need a
clearer view
Of my life
and where I stand.
Do I belong
to You, Lord?
Please
Jesus, take my hand.
Lift me
from this pit,
This pit I
alone have dug
With Your
help I’ll stand, my Lord,
But I know
I won’t stand alone.
Take me,
change me
From the
inside out
Shake me,
break me
Turn me
about
Wash me,
purge me
Cleanse me
from within
And free my
life
From these
clutches of sin
I’m going
to reach out and grasp Grace today, and cling to it with all my might. (See yesterday’s entry) There is…there sure
must be…an answer for those of us in the pit.
I am going to start searching for the very face of Jesus Christ, to look
into His eyes and find the love I need to overcome this very huge, degrading,
painful, monstrosity that has done all in its power to ruin my life. Enough really is enough, don’t you think?
Its a beautiful poem, I await to see it to completion with music as a song. I hear you girl; I may not struggle with the weight, but I struggle with the anxiety and fear and worry and I need to get out of that pit myself. I need to take your advice and focus more on Jesus and less of me. (the weight is an issue but not my main issue :)
ReplyDeletebetty
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ReplyDeleteBless your heart.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through such a trial. It's times like these I so desire to have words of profound wisdom to share. I don't. However, I do have my prayers and tonight they are yours. May the God of peace pour over you and hold you in His loving arms. I pray comfort and joy will shine on you; a joy that could not possibly come from any where else.